I’ve been playing Video Games for the best part of three decades, but in all that time I’ve somehow neglected to really partake of the RPG genre – particularly the epic Swords & Magickey type games. I’m quite a fan of fantasy fiction and films, so it’s a strange omission from my Gaming “career” really, but it’s just something that I’ve never really embraced. If I had to guess, I’d say that it’s possible I found the idea of them quite daunting – what with their length/difficulty/complicated upgrading system whatsits – and when I have tried them, there always seems to be a kind of assumption that I’d already know exactly how to deal with everything – which I most certainly didn’t.

In that respect, if you’ve never played one, it becomes harder to play others I think, because often there’s a definite element of ‘they’ll understand this because it’s so similar to all the other games like ours’ built into many RPGs. On top of that, there’s also a kind of shared terminology and, for example, classes/character system too, and whilst I know what, eg. a “Warrior” is, I’ve absolutely no idea how playing that type of character will affect my Gaming experience (and/or increase/decrease my chances of regularly getting my ass handed to me).

Basically, I’m fucking clueless, and given there’s plenty of opportunity for me to feel like a complete tool in real life, I’d rather that not extend into my favourite hobby, thankyouverymuch.

You do know your sword's on fire, right!?
You do know your sword’s on fire, right!?

That being said, this being a new year and such I figured I’d try and broaden my Gaming Horizons, and it just so happens that I’ve got a copy of Dragon Age: Inquisition and The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt on my To-Play pile. Call it kismet, fate, destiny or whatever (basically anything that’s not “compulsive game purchasing problem”) but I’ma go ahead and take that as a sign. Also, having read and liked other bloggers’ “Progress Diary” type posts, I’m going to shamelessly steal that idea and do a series of posts chronicling my (mis)adventures as I delve into Swords & Sorcery worlds as a total fucking n00b. Lucky you, eh!?

Anyhoo, for no other reason than it’s been recommended to me by a few friends (and pretty much every reviewer ever), I’m going to start with The Witcher. I’ve got a free day on Wednesday, so I’ll be dedicating a chunk of it to figuring everything out, getting to grips with it, and hopefully not getting hammered too much. In many ways, the first day’s going to be the real challenge, not least because there’s likely to be an overwhelming urge to fuck everything off at the first hint of anything complicated or confusing, but having just finished Resident Evil 7 on Madhouse difficulty, I’m going to channel a rare sense of “not being shite” and – hopefully – power through any urges to rage/confusion quit (no promises, though).

So yeah, that’s my pitch. It’s not great, admittedly, but what can you do!? I’m not in advertising or publicity, so it’s about as good as it’s going to get! Whilst you’re here though, if you are a regular player of RPGs – and particularly if you’re a Stone-cold legend at The Witcher 3 – any advice, hints, tips or tricks you might deign to throw my way would be most gratefully received.

I mean, I know I’m supposed to stab stuff with the pointy end of a sword, but other than that I’m basically fucked……